Jan 30th

Not much has happened Sarah-wise in the last two weeks but I did manage to snatch a couple of times alone and made the most of it by dressing and taking some pictures. I also made another short video, which this times has been passed by my approval board (me) and which I posted on my Flickr site a few dyas ago. I have been drip-feeding the stills there as well and had some lovely responses from my beautiful friends. All the pics were of me in a floral summer dress that (I think) was my daughter's because I don't recall ever seeing my wife wearing it.

Today is a good day for prospects of becoming Sarah again soon because my wife has decided to spend a five days away visiting our daughter who having got married last month is now living 1000 miles away in another city. I have booked her flight on Feb 17th and can't wait to be alone ! I don't know exactly what I will do during that period but be sure that I will spend as much time en femme as I can. Probably also do a shopping trip or two. Unfortunately no chance of meeting other t-girls here but I can amuse myself !!
I had an interesting exchange with my wife a few days ago. I raised once again the idea that we should spend more time apart and she said to me with a wry smile "Have you got a relationship going then ?" "No of course not" was my immediate (and truthful) reply "just with myself" I muttered quietly. She would have heard it but didn't react. Her choice of words are intriguing. She didn't ask if I was having an affair - the normal question. Should I read anything into it ? In my fevered mind, I play over and over the imagined conversation that could have ensued had she reacted further to me saying:-
Just with myself"
(IMAGINED:-
She: What is that supposed to mean ?
Me: There is nobody else - just me and my alter ego.
She: Who is your alter ego and why would you have a relationship with it ?
Me: I can't tell you - you would'nt like it
She: Now you've got me curious - you will have to tell me
Me: OK, well you know how you have often in the past said you see feminine traits - you even asked my when we were first going out if I was gay.
She: Yes, well are you ?
Me: No, I told you then, if anything I am even more attracted to women than other men - to the extent that, like thousands and thousands of other heterosexual men, I like to emulate feminine beauty. The fact is that I am a cross-dresser and try to transform myself into a beautiful woman when I am alone. There it is - I expect you are shocked.
She: (stunned silence) then: You can get help for this and treatment to overcome it.
Me: Impossible ! It is not a disease and anyway, I don't want to overcome it or give it up. It is part of who I am - like it is for so many others.
AT THIS POINT she would begin a violent tirade against me, how I have misled her and how this would damage our children etc etc.
I think you can see why I am keepin it secret - for now at least !!!

Jan 14th

Nearly two weeks since my last post. It's been a "dry" time for me with precious little opportunity to explore my female side. With my wife being here right now, I can only snatch short periods to dress when I am sure she is out - or late at night when she is asleep (in another bedroom because we havn't shared a bed for many years now).
Of course, I would like to be able to become Sarah properly and in my pretend world, I could imagine myself going to bed like this:-

but in reality, I can't go this far when she is in the house; I am simply wearing a bra as I write.

I still don't know where all this will lead. I tend to live for the moment which is why I am feeling rather frustrated just now. But there is a chance that I will be on my own in the house for a few weeks from sometime in March because there is talk that she might go back to England then. I need to be in the UK myself at the end of May for a follow-up health check-up, but if I can have six weeks alone here in SA first, I will be able to dress almost every day. Unfortunately, it will still have to be mainly indoors with the occasional furtive shopping trip, but at least it will be whenever I feel like it rather than when the opportunity arises.

The other day, I had a couple of hours free-time and decided I would try to make a short webcam video. All my videos have been shot using the video facility on my Sony digital still camera and the quality is rather poor. Having found a programme that allows me to record what the webcam that is built into my laptop sees, I was keen to try to emulate some of the fantastic webcam short videos that have been posted by beautiful gurls on Flickr. So, instead of dressing for pics, I did a quick make-up jobby, put on my wig and pretty red jacket, and switched on the webcam with record. The result was NOT GOOD ! The camera showed my age much more than I had hoped and I won't be posting the video !!
I'm not giving up though. I will find a way to make myself look more presentable for this demanding medium - so watch this space.

Jan 2nd 2011

Well, here we are already the second day of the New Year. Its very quiet and peaceful where I am and the weather (for this part of S Africa) is a bit unusual. Instead of the very hot sunshine we had at the end of 2010, its cool and drizzly - perfect for the parched garden and for staying indoors. If I were alone in the house, I would be looking for beautiful girly clothes to try on but I'm not and so can only dream about it.
New Years Eve was spent at a small party given by some friends at their home - only 17 attending. My eye was taken by one of the guests - a beautiful divorcee aged about 40 who was visiting her relatives in S Africa but who lives in San Francisco. She is a professional violinist there and we chatted about music because I play in an amateur wind orchestra - as you can see from my Flickr pics one of which is here:-.

I was quite smitten by her so it was enjoyable to chat and in my mind I could fantasise playing in an orchestra looking like her. I wonder what she would have said had she known what I was thinking !

Dec 30th

Almost New Year. I really wonder what 2011 will bring. 2010 has been a crazy roller-coast ride for me - with more treatment for prostate cancer on the downside and amazing dressing and outing experiences as Sarah for me on the up.
The whole dressing thing keeps growing stronger and more compulsive. Its like bread dough rising as the yeast ferments; you can't see it swelling but every time I take a peek, its got a bit larger. No, I'm not referring to my sexual organ but the way the "hobby" has taken over my mind ! I guess most of you reading this have gone through the same experience but the problem is "where to next ?"
I don't have any desire to transition but I would like the freedom to become the girl of my dreams whenever I want - and that can only happen if I live alone. If I were to tell my wife, it would all come crashing down but if we separate, perhaps I can achieve what I desire. Our relationship has been unsatisfactory fo years but when I raise the issue of separation, she avoids the subject, suggesting that she doesn't want it but not saying so directly. She is often quite verbally abusive but I still have feelings for her and since I have soft heart, I would feel sorry for her if she was unhappy. Its quite a dilemma.
Meanwhile, I take what opportunity I can to express my femininity. The most recent - a couple of days ago - was a window of only a few hours. Since my stash is well hidden and quite a mission to get out and repack afterwards, I used some clothes of hers and my daughter that are stuffed away in drawers and rarely used. I didn't bother with a bra or falsies and used minimal make-up. Luckily, I am keeping my wigs more readily available in a locked hand-luggage case that I take on travels. In this way, I was able to produce some new pictures which (with a little help from Adobe Photoshop)seem to prove that I don't need to go overboard to transform. It is quite scary but I feel like the characters in Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde; when after a time, the transformation seems to happen by itself - without the need to take the potion !

Dec 28

So Christmas is over and all our relatives, guests and visitors who were here mainly for the wedding, have left. The house is quiet again but my wife is still quite ill from 'flu that was brought here by two of the visitors. I didn't escape entirely but mine was just a heavy cold and has now gone.
It's very hot here in South Africa today - well up in the thirties (centigrade). I am sitting in an air-conditioned room to write this, wearing only shorts. The lovely dress that my wife wore for the wedding hangs temptingly close by but there is no chance at all to dress as Sarah and it is quite frustrating. Here is a picture of that dress when I did get a chance to slip it on last week

Dec 22nd

Its a while since I began to blog but I have an excuse - my daughters wedding last Thursday. Things have been quite hectic, as you can imagine and we have had a house-full of relatives from overseas staying here. They have mostly left now but an aftermath is that my wife and I have developed the rather nasty cold that some of them brought with them from a frozen Europe. Returning to the UK has also not been plain sailing for the visitors because Heathrow airport in London had major disruptions due to the extremely cold weather.
The wedding was a great success though, and we were complimented by all the guests on a splendid party.
After it was all over and my daughter and her new husband had gone on honeymoon, her wedding dress (which I had bought for her)was left at my house and so, while everyone was out, the other evening, I took the opportunity of seeing if I could wear it. With minimum time available and no chance to get out any jewellery or shoes, I applied a basic make-up and my latest hair style and took a few pictures. They have been posted on Flickr and elicited an amazing response

Dec 10

At last, I have found out how to add the link to my Flickr photos. :-
My Flickr Photostream!
I'm learning the ropes of the new bloggers world and hope to have more to say very soon