April 25 Freedom Day

Try as I might, I seem not to be able to get here for a post more than once a month. Well, perhaps that's OK too - then at least I won't bore you with too much repetition.

Today South Africans celebrate a Freedom Day. Quite appropriate for me too, I guess since it marks the continuation of my freedom to express myself as Sarah. Alright, I admit its not quite the same lofty celebration that the nation is enjoying but its mine and I am proud of it. These last few weeks when I have been alone have been wonderful. Although its not the first time I have the space to dress when I want, my growing confidence has made it especially thrilling. I have dressed on most days - sometimes all day and other times just for a while because I had external committments in male mode. Occasionally I would apply nail varnish in the evening, enjoy a brief dressing session next morning, remove the varnish to get into male mode for the afternoon, only to re-apply the varnish that evening !
I have been inhibited from buying clothes mainly because of lack of secure secret storage space - I have run out ! However, last Sunday (my favourite day for becoming Sarah all day) I went to the local Woolworths stores (owned by Marks & Spencer UK) and bought a new skirt and lovely shoes which can be seen on Flickr. Here is my favourite picture of me in the new things, also wearing a top from my stash which I also really love

The picture also works well because I am learning about camera angles. Looking up or looking down are both more flattering than a straight shot. I may be straight but my photos arn't !
I am also enjoying making little videos - mostly with me chatting to friends. I just wish more girls would do it - it brings us all a bit closer together and also paves the way for real meetings in the future. In a video, what you see is what you get - no chance to re-touch with Photoshop so it becomes a bit of reality TV (pardon the pun !!)

I must tell you how excited I am to have found Amnesia and her friend Adrian who have started genderfun.com Such a lovely pair - Amnesia herself (Adrian's feminine alter ego)is one of the lovliest, liveliest creatures on the internet today (Amnesia if you are reading this - I love you Babe !!!). The rest of you should have a look at the brilliant videos that they have produced - long may it continue.

Meanwhile, my own fun time is drawing to a close. Only 19 days left (you can tell I am counting) before I set off for the UK to rejoin my wife in house-hunting and a bit of travelling. We may go to Sweden where our eldest son now loves and works. I am also going for a medical check-up to see if my prostate cancer is under control. Hope so 'cos I am not too keen on more treatment !

Paradise

I am such a lucky girl ! Once again, I have the time, space and freedom to express my femininity all I want. Yes, my wife has gone over to the UK and could be there for while. If she stays till I arrive in Mid-May, this will have given me nearly two months of paradise ! However, (and there is always a however) I won't be entirely alone in the house the whole period because my daughter is coming to visit me for a week in April and my son might pitch up here sometime during the two months for a three week work stint - sent by his company. So, the two months might reduce to one or even less. Also there is now a distinct possibility that my wife will curtail her visit. In fact she could be back any day !!!
With all these reservations going through my mind as I drove back from dropping her at the airport last Thursday, I felt compelled to begin my transformation immediately. That evening, I put aside my male clothes and didn't wear another drab item until Monday lunch time - three and a half days of Paradise !
The weather was very hot to begin with which made it uncomfortable to wear a lot of clothes and make-up. In fact, I wore a bikini much of the time and tended to dress and go shopping later in the day. Shopping for girly clothes is fun but I am not easily pleased with what is out there and have come back empty-handed each time ! I would love to have a friend to help me choose ( and also to pay - eh ?) Clothes are soo expensive and I only have a meagre pension. My mind boggles at the number of outfits so many of you t-girls seem to own. Most appear in a new dress every time I look at Flickr and it makes it very hard to keep up with them. The only way is to borrow the clothes that I find here in the house, supplement them with my very limited stash, and then mix and match. Not quite the same as coming up with brand new items all the time. Some of you clever things, have found that the charity shops in the UK have wonderful garments costing almost nothing. I havn't explored that here in SA yet. There is only one second-hand clothes shop in town and I am not yet confident enough to enter it "en femme"
Talking of confidence though, mine has definitely increased. On Sunday (Day three of my new Sarah-time) I played around too long before getting ready for my outing. Here in backward Africa, the shops open on Sunday for a short time only - most shutting firmly at 4pm By the time I was ready, it was already 3.30 so I drove to my nearest mini-mall, only to discover that this particular one closed at 3pm ! So I pushed on to my favourite mall which has lots of shops and a cinema. Arriving at 3.50 didn't give me any time to choose anything - silly girl ! (I am not nearly as good at this shopping lark as real girls.)
Anyway, as a compensation, I decided to try something new. I had brought my camera with me and took the plunge to ask a nice kind-looking lady passer-by to take my photo at the entrance to Woolworths. Now for those of you in the UK who have never been to South Africa, you must know that Woolworths in SA is the brand name for Marks and Spencer - not to be confused with Woolworths shops that no longer exist in the UK !
The picture she took was a bit blurry but here it is:-

I felt very pleased with myself at apparently passing for a regular woman shopper and decided to try again.
This time I walked on a bit and asked a couple of teenage girls if they wouldn't mind taking my picture. They obliged with a good one, albeit not full length, but at least it was quite sharply in focus - and no camera-shake. I really expected to hear some giggles from them as I walked away; their keen eyes will surely have spotted something. However once again, nothing seem to happen. Perhaps I missed their amusement or perhaps, just perhaps, I wasn't read !!

Feb 24th

I can't believe it is nearly three weeks since my birthday and the last blog entry. Doesn't time fly when you are having fun? Not that its been three weeks of fun BUT it has been wonderful to remain clean shaven over my whole body, not just my face. As I said last time, the gift my wife gave me by accepting that I shave, has been one of the best gifts ever ! Can you believe it ? I just love the feel of smooth arms and legs and enjoy it when I wake up, when I shower or swim in the pool - and indeed all day long.
However, the best part of the last three weeks has been during the last few days when I was all alone in the house for a full 5 days and nights as my wife went away to stay with our daughter and her new husband. She had an enjoyable time, sight-seeing and being with her beloved daughter, (despite still not being happy about her new son-in-law). As a result, I felt no guilt in going all out to be Sarah as much as possible while she was away.
We have, over the years, spent much longer periods apart which has given me ample opportunity to indulge my fantasies. However, when there is a short break like this, in the middle of a long dressing drought, the senses are sharpened and the whole period takes on a new meaning and intensity.
On Thurs 17th, I drove her to the airport in the afternoon and so already had Thursday evening to begin "transforming" - including bright red nail varnish I had bought on the way home from the airport. Waking up on Friday with painted finger and toenails was a thrill and most of Friday was spent dressed. I even went out shopping "en femme" to try and buy some new clothes. However, I couldn't find anything I really wanted so came back empty-handed. I did however try on some clothes in a department store and would have bought one of the dresses had it fitted. Unfortunately, like so many of us, I had an over-optimistic idea of my size and although I could get the size 10 on, it was rather too tight and didn't look fantastic. (There wasn't a size 12 available). It was also rather a shock to see myself in profile in the changing room mirrors - not such a pretty sight and I don't want to think about that!
Saturday was a bit of break from dressing as I normally play tennis in the afternoon - in male mode of course since nobody knows about my obsession. This entailed removing all signs of Sarah - including the nail colouring. However, in the evening, I re-applied it in preparation for Sunday which was to be a special day. Sure enough, it dawned bright, warm and sunny and I put my plan for a video of bikini changes into action

You can see the video if you go to my Flickr page. It was huge fun to make and quite scary since there was a real possibility that my neighbour or one of his family might appear suddenly in the garden and see what was going on at my poolside. I think I must like living dangerously because just as I was about to begin filming, I spotted my neighbours daughter in that very part of the garden where she would have seen me. She didn't see me and I ducked back inside and waited till the coast was clear before starting the series of shots in various bikinis. She could have come out again at any moment - but didn't !!
After lunch, I put on my favourite dress and went to the movies alone

I felt quite confident in my appearance and that I passed - but of course, sitting in a dark cinema doesn't present much of a risk, does it ?
I chose "The Black Swan" as my tranny-outing movie and it was quite appropriate, having lots of images of pretty girls in ballerina outfits - not to mention a steamy-hot lesbian scene !! The ending was disappointing but I won't spoil it for you in case you go and see it.
Monday was again mostly a day off because I had various commitments which involved me with other people and activities but on Tuesday, I decided to have a last fling before I had to collect my wife from the airport in the evening. I didn't paint my nails again but I did resurrect some clothes from my stash that I had forgotten about and, after splashing myself with my favourite perfume, I was sufficeintly hyped-up to go shopping again feeling SO GOOD in that outfit

Although I was only shopping for food, it was exciting because I went to my local shops where I go in male mode nearly every day - and nobody gave me any funny looks - I fooled them all. Such a blast !!

Feb 4th - My Birthday !!

Yes its the day I was born (as a boy) many many moons ago. Apparently, my mother (now departed from this earth) was a bit disappointed because she had hoped for a girl. Little did she know that I would come to share her view many uears later. At least I am doing something about it now. It is somewhat ironic to think that in the last few months of her life when as an old woman 101 years of age, she was living under my roof, fully compos mentis, I was taking whatever opportunity to become Sarah - just as I do today. I was also unable to tell her about it for the same reasons as today !
My birthday has however been wonderful. Not caring about receiving any material gifts, I did express a wish to my wife this morning and to my joy, she granted it with good grace. I didn't go so far as to wish for her support in cross-dressing (as you read in my last blog, this would NOT have gone down well). No, I did get her to agree that I can shave my legs and arms to get rid of that horrid body hair we tranny's hate so much. How did I achieve this ? Well, it has been extremely hot here this summer (southern hemisphere) and I am always complaining about the discomfort of a hairy body. In fairness, I have shaved it off in the past too using a similar excuse but she got uppity about it eventually and that made it difficult for me to keep it up. I have pressed my complaint from time to time, usually to be rewarded with remarks like " why do you want to do that - it just looks silly". Today, I used the fact of her goodwill on my birthday to elicit a positive response and so I immediately spent a happy time in the bathroom, clearing away the fuzz and getting that lovely smooth silky feel on arms and legs. I have been in girly heaven all day!
Unfortunately I didn't have any chance to become Sarah today so I can't post a picture of my newly shaved body BUT here is an old one from the time when I was shaving regularly - as a blonde though:-

Jan 30th

Not much has happened Sarah-wise in the last two weeks but I did manage to snatch a couple of times alone and made the most of it by dressing and taking some pictures. I also made another short video, which this times has been passed by my approval board (me) and which I posted on my Flickr site a few dyas ago. I have been drip-feeding the stills there as well and had some lovely responses from my beautiful friends. All the pics were of me in a floral summer dress that (I think) was my daughter's because I don't recall ever seeing my wife wearing it.

Today is a good day for prospects of becoming Sarah again soon because my wife has decided to spend a five days away visiting our daughter who having got married last month is now living 1000 miles away in another city. I have booked her flight on Feb 17th and can't wait to be alone ! I don't know exactly what I will do during that period but be sure that I will spend as much time en femme as I can. Probably also do a shopping trip or two. Unfortunately no chance of meeting other t-girls here but I can amuse myself !!
I had an interesting exchange with my wife a few days ago. I raised once again the idea that we should spend more time apart and she said to me with a wry smile "Have you got a relationship going then ?" "No of course not" was my immediate (and truthful) reply "just with myself" I muttered quietly. She would have heard it but didn't react. Her choice of words are intriguing. She didn't ask if I was having an affair - the normal question. Should I read anything into it ? In my fevered mind, I play over and over the imagined conversation that could have ensued had she reacted further to me saying:-
Just with myself"
(IMAGINED:-
She: What is that supposed to mean ?
Me: There is nobody else - just me and my alter ego.
She: Who is your alter ego and why would you have a relationship with it ?
Me: I can't tell you - you would'nt like it
She: Now you've got me curious - you will have to tell me
Me: OK, well you know how you have often in the past said you see feminine traits - you even asked my when we were first going out if I was gay.
She: Yes, well are you ?
Me: No, I told you then, if anything I am even more attracted to women than other men - to the extent that, like thousands and thousands of other heterosexual men, I like to emulate feminine beauty. The fact is that I am a cross-dresser and try to transform myself into a beautiful woman when I am alone. There it is - I expect you are shocked.
She: (stunned silence) then: You can get help for this and treatment to overcome it.
Me: Impossible ! It is not a disease and anyway, I don't want to overcome it or give it up. It is part of who I am - like it is for so many others.
AT THIS POINT she would begin a violent tirade against me, how I have misled her and how this would damage our children etc etc.
I think you can see why I am keepin it secret - for now at least !!!

Jan 14th

Nearly two weeks since my last post. It's been a "dry" time for me with precious little opportunity to explore my female side. With my wife being here right now, I can only snatch short periods to dress when I am sure she is out - or late at night when she is asleep (in another bedroom because we havn't shared a bed for many years now).
Of course, I would like to be able to become Sarah properly and in my pretend world, I could imagine myself going to bed like this:-

but in reality, I can't go this far when she is in the house; I am simply wearing a bra as I write.

I still don't know where all this will lead. I tend to live for the moment which is why I am feeling rather frustrated just now. But there is a chance that I will be on my own in the house for a few weeks from sometime in March because there is talk that she might go back to England then. I need to be in the UK myself at the end of May for a follow-up health check-up, but if I can have six weeks alone here in SA first, I will be able to dress almost every day. Unfortunately, it will still have to be mainly indoors with the occasional furtive shopping trip, but at least it will be whenever I feel like it rather than when the opportunity arises.

The other day, I had a couple of hours free-time and decided I would try to make a short webcam video. All my videos have been shot using the video facility on my Sony digital still camera and the quality is rather poor. Having found a programme that allows me to record what the webcam that is built into my laptop sees, I was keen to try to emulate some of the fantastic webcam short videos that have been posted by beautiful gurls on Flickr. So, instead of dressing for pics, I did a quick make-up jobby, put on my wig and pretty red jacket, and switched on the webcam with record. The result was NOT GOOD ! The camera showed my age much more than I had hoped and I won't be posting the video !!
I'm not giving up though. I will find a way to make myself look more presentable for this demanding medium - so watch this space.

Jan 2nd 2011

Well, here we are already the second day of the New Year. Its very quiet and peaceful where I am and the weather (for this part of S Africa) is a bit unusual. Instead of the very hot sunshine we had at the end of 2010, its cool and drizzly - perfect for the parched garden and for staying indoors. If I were alone in the house, I would be looking for beautiful girly clothes to try on but I'm not and so can only dream about it.
New Years Eve was spent at a small party given by some friends at their home - only 17 attending. My eye was taken by one of the guests - a beautiful divorcee aged about 40 who was visiting her relatives in S Africa but who lives in San Francisco. She is a professional violinist there and we chatted about music because I play in an amateur wind orchestra - as you can see from my Flickr pics one of which is here:-.

I was quite smitten by her so it was enjoyable to chat and in my mind I could fantasise playing in an orchestra looking like her. I wonder what she would have said had she known what I was thinking !