Jan 30th

Not much has happened Sarah-wise in the last two weeks but I did manage to snatch a couple of times alone and made the most of it by dressing and taking some pictures. I also made another short video, which this times has been passed by my approval board (me) and which I posted on my Flickr site a few dyas ago. I have been drip-feeding the stills there as well and had some lovely responses from my beautiful friends. All the pics were of me in a floral summer dress that (I think) was my daughter's because I don't recall ever seeing my wife wearing it.

Today is a good day for prospects of becoming Sarah again soon because my wife has decided to spend a five days away visiting our daughter who having got married last month is now living 1000 miles away in another city. I have booked her flight on Feb 17th and can't wait to be alone ! I don't know exactly what I will do during that period but be sure that I will spend as much time en femme as I can. Probably also do a shopping trip or two. Unfortunately no chance of meeting other t-girls here but I can amuse myself !!
I had an interesting exchange with my wife a few days ago. I raised once again the idea that we should spend more time apart and she said to me with a wry smile "Have you got a relationship going then ?" "No of course not" was my immediate (and truthful) reply "just with myself" I muttered quietly. She would have heard it but didn't react. Her choice of words are intriguing. She didn't ask if I was having an affair - the normal question. Should I read anything into it ? In my fevered mind, I play over and over the imagined conversation that could have ensued had she reacted further to me saying:-
Just with myself"
(IMAGINED:-
She: What is that supposed to mean ?
Me: There is nobody else - just me and my alter ego.
She: Who is your alter ego and why would you have a relationship with it ?
Me: I can't tell you - you would'nt like it
She: Now you've got me curious - you will have to tell me
Me: OK, well you know how you have often in the past said you see feminine traits - you even asked my when we were first going out if I was gay.
She: Yes, well are you ?
Me: No, I told you then, if anything I am even more attracted to women than other men - to the extent that, like thousands and thousands of other heterosexual men, I like to emulate feminine beauty. The fact is that I am a cross-dresser and try to transform myself into a beautiful woman when I am alone. There it is - I expect you are shocked.
She: (stunned silence) then: You can get help for this and treatment to overcome it.
Me: Impossible ! It is not a disease and anyway, I don't want to overcome it or give it up. It is part of who I am - like it is for so many others.
AT THIS POINT she would begin a violent tirade against me, how I have misled her and how this would damage our children etc etc.
I think you can see why I am keepin it secret - for now at least !!!

Jan 14th

Nearly two weeks since my last post. It's been a "dry" time for me with precious little opportunity to explore my female side. With my wife being here right now, I can only snatch short periods to dress when I am sure she is out - or late at night when she is asleep (in another bedroom because we havn't shared a bed for many years now).
Of course, I would like to be able to become Sarah properly and in my pretend world, I could imagine myself going to bed like this:-

but in reality, I can't go this far when she is in the house; I am simply wearing a bra as I write.

I still don't know where all this will lead. I tend to live for the moment which is why I am feeling rather frustrated just now. But there is a chance that I will be on my own in the house for a few weeks from sometime in March because there is talk that she might go back to England then. I need to be in the UK myself at the end of May for a follow-up health check-up, but if I can have six weeks alone here in SA first, I will be able to dress almost every day. Unfortunately, it will still have to be mainly indoors with the occasional furtive shopping trip, but at least it will be whenever I feel like it rather than when the opportunity arises.

The other day, I had a couple of hours free-time and decided I would try to make a short webcam video. All my videos have been shot using the video facility on my Sony digital still camera and the quality is rather poor. Having found a programme that allows me to record what the webcam that is built into my laptop sees, I was keen to try to emulate some of the fantastic webcam short videos that have been posted by beautiful gurls on Flickr. So, instead of dressing for pics, I did a quick make-up jobby, put on my wig and pretty red jacket, and switched on the webcam with record. The result was NOT GOOD ! The camera showed my age much more than I had hoped and I won't be posting the video !!
I'm not giving up though. I will find a way to make myself look more presentable for this demanding medium - so watch this space.

Jan 2nd 2011

Well, here we are already the second day of the New Year. Its very quiet and peaceful where I am and the weather (for this part of S Africa) is a bit unusual. Instead of the very hot sunshine we had at the end of 2010, its cool and drizzly - perfect for the parched garden and for staying indoors. If I were alone in the house, I would be looking for beautiful girly clothes to try on but I'm not and so can only dream about it.
New Years Eve was spent at a small party given by some friends at their home - only 17 attending. My eye was taken by one of the guests - a beautiful divorcee aged about 40 who was visiting her relatives in S Africa but who lives in San Francisco. She is a professional violinist there and we chatted about music because I play in an amateur wind orchestra - as you can see from my Flickr pics one of which is here:-.

I was quite smitten by her so it was enjoyable to chat and in my mind I could fantasise playing in an orchestra looking like her. I wonder what she would have said had she known what I was thinking !